im tired of all this shit i just want to GET AWAY

Thursday, December 30, 2004
Thursday, December 30, 2004

Today is eve of the very last day of December. It feels like the start of holiday was just yesterday. Obviously i havent been spending the hols well enough to think of last day of Dec in this manner. If i spent the hols fruitfully, i assume, what i'll be thinking is... well well, school's gonna be in. and then, i'll think...fullstop. IT IS SCHOOLTIME.

After reading someone else's blog, im wondering. Something is very wrong with MY blog.

Yes, it's about my life.
Yes, it's all true facts.
Yes, it's my thoughts.
Yes, it's almost all about me.
The thing is, why would anybody want to read someone's life?
As if experiencing one's life is not overwhelming enough, and need to read someone else's life to get through their own lives.

My blog is not anything inspirational.
That is something i never seem to accomplish -- inspirational blog.
My blog is anything but interesting.
My blog is a tiny heaven. [to me]
My blog is where i hide.

I hide here, because my "listener", who apparently, is my mum. [ye, my mum] To be MORE PRECISE, my mum the busy babysitter. Those who know me, u know why i nickname her that.

And because she's busy, no one is there to listen. And yeah, she have her breaks from babysitting, but hey, the breaks are there for her to rest. So uhuh...i just leave her alone all the time. Busy or not.

No "listener", there's the internet. But actually it's not a really good "listener", because it cannot help you anyway. Always end up solving my problem myself. But sometimes i just cannot do it alone. When i cannot, i get all down and stuffs...AND YESH, it happened before. The period when the 'alrightey smiley mask' is all gone and the 'dark black pissed off mask' is on.

The thing WRONG about my blog is. I have no idea what can come out of this blog. There is no result, is there?? Can anybody tell me?? Can anybody even correct my thinking when i think 'sideways'?? Can ANYBODY even bring me back onto the right path when im really out of it??

Yes, i am, in fact, not confident with my blog. Not confident with my thoughts. Not confident in how i do stuffs. Practically not confident in everything. [nearly]

Tell me one thing. Can anybody tell that im inconfident?
I guess not.

Why not?
because of the mask everyone wears.

What about taking of the masks?
No, that will never happen. THIS IS THE REAL WORLD.

Yeah... ~~let us~~ let me face it. This is reality. Everybody is wearing a mask. Real or not. But the best thing about these masks is that it always appear REAL and CONVINCING.

SO CONVINCING until no one smells anything bad. nothing out of place.

Then again,
maybe im just being overly conscious of everything.

im torn between
silent & violent expression