im tired of all this shit i just want to GET AWAY

Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Tuesday, January 04, 2005

first day of school, i should feel excited, elated, anxious.
first time, i felt nothing.
really nothing.
it felt like nothing special.

then i felt a fear in me rising.
because these years past,
and i havent been socialising.
i've become unsociable.
sad.

then i felt a panic.
i fear not being accepted.
and i really am.
sad.

then i felt i'd be lonesome.
i prayed in my heart my friend will change that.
she didnt. she made it come true.
sad.

then i saw another her next door. she brought light to my heart.
someone's there for me. always.
she made me smile.
happy.

then i realise, im going to take chinese again.
one word rise in my eyes -- failure.
i felt sad once more.
unhappy.

then, recess. i spoke to classmates sitting right in front.
all smiles. one panicking to finish up hols homework.
i laughed. im smiling!!
happy.

then, lesson time.
i felt nothing except boredom.
but i was listening.
happy and unhappy.

then, lunchbreak.
went to look for deb, helena, pris, gy.
they were doing stuffs. i went for lunch.
happy and unhappy.

then assembly,
i dozed off.

then MEP thingy,
i was lonesome.
really lonesome.
sad.

after school, pris and i were supp to go home together.
i cant find her. i felt sad.
but i know, it's late and she cant possibly wait.
sad.

messaged her, she's still in school.
i smiled again.
i waited for her under the shades.
happy.

then i saw her from distant.
SMILE SMILE SMILE.

im not lonely after school.
suddenly a thought struck me,
im lonely b/c i thought so? mebb.

smile.

i kept my promise to jenny.
i was positive.
and i wont break that promise,
so long as i remember it.

im torn between
silent & violent expression