im tired of all this shit i just want to GET AWAY

Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Tuesday, January 04, 2005

as im writing this,
i feel my heart ache.
if i offend anyone in this entry,
i apologise first.
im just writing down whatever s*** comes out of me.
if anybody thinks they are going to be sad reading it.
please dont read.
really. dont.
go straight to my 2nd entry.
please. dont let it affect ur mood.

im STILL gonna write this,
because i cant tell this to anybody.
nobody is listening.
nobody will listen.
nobody wants to listen.
not even this friend of mine.
Yesh,
today im going to admit this.
im NO LONGER sociable.
im NO LONGER accepted.
im NO LONGER part of the group.
im NO LONGER talking as much as i should be and like to be.
and lastly, i want to say.
IM ALL SAD ABOUT THESE POINTS.
and yes, if you are thinking im about to cry,
YES I AM.

[class]
my sitting partner. my sec1 n 2 budd. my partner at work. my friend who faced quarrels together with me. my friend i confide in when i was superly down and confused inside. my friend who is just as nuts about comics as i am. my friend who is so into basketball. my friend who i deem as soul mate. my friend who i feel absoulutely secure with and i can be myself all the time.

today, no, YESTERDAY, the last point changed. -- i dont feel secure. i cant be myself.

i got this feeling today. she's bored sitting with me. no conversations made. just REALLY ti-ny win-ny ones. and seriously, im really quiet. and i feel like im gonna burst out again. iunno why. i hate this feeling. i feel so left out. she just likes turning around to talk to that cute and interesting girl behind her. and the guy too.

i REALLY feel left out. i hate this. i hate myself. i hate myself for letting this happen. really. iunno why. i REALLY do. i REALLY hate this feeling.

it's like, im sitting just next to her. but to her, im non-existent at all. it's just like at home. im there, but all everyone in the house cares is the baby.

im non-existent everywhere.

i've been feeling this all holidays.
and now, SADLY,
i have to get this 'non-existent' truth right.
i really am non-existent everywhere.

maybe that's how i am gonna feel everyday. everywhere.
iunno how long am i can keep myself going. just two days and im going nuts.
what am i doing?
why am i feeling like this?

im glad i still have my other friends i took bus12 with today. REALLY. Thanks for the company. i wanted to pour everything out to you guys. Really. but i said a little of it, then i stopped. Because everyone is happy, and i dont want to change that.

I hope i can find other ways to keep myself from feeling outcast. i never felt this way until today. Maybe i did, just not this long enough for me to remember.

yeah, i know.
it's just a small matter,
and im feeling a lot over it.

yes, i am weird.
yes, i am lonesome.
yes, i fear being alone.
yes, i really fear being alone.
yes, this is me.
yes, this is the real me.
im scared.
this time im really scared.
really scared.
been through this,
tried to get past it,
never did successfully.
sad.
i hope this isnt going to repeat.
really.
2 days and i feel hurt about it.
silly me.
really cant get hurt once, i get really scared of the second one coming.
pathetic me.

what is she going to say about this? Whatever.
she wont care because she's one cool kid.
and me?
im nothing but her sidekick.
that's what im feeling right now. -- im not her friend, not even at the start.
and
that
hurts
big time.

im torn between
silent & violent expression