im tired of all this shit i just want to GET AWAY

Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005

yesterday, i freaked out because i found out i left my pencilcase in school. I had no proper pens to write my chinese essay. So, yeah. That's basically it. Then i started the work at 11 plus. This chinese essay is full of crappity crap. I can guess the grade im going to get for it. Like..a 'D' or something. I mean, something that is written before i sleep cannot be a good essay. But since i handed it up, it's over for that essay. game over.

`` ` today`` `
it was totally raining last night. The sky even turn red. i cant even look further than my market's basketball court, which usually, i can. This morning, it rained too. Yeah, as expected. i took cabby. Say..i was at the bus-stop while my mum stood in the rain with just umbrella over her head, flagged a cab. This is how wei da a mum can be. She had no jacket or sweater on. i had mine on but it was freakking cold!! >.<>.< Nothing much in fact. I mean, all we did was to fool around, zonk off into dreamland, walk walk, talk..that's the basic.

iunno if im being oversensitive or what. i notice the look of the Her face. then got me really upset. i mean, yeah, so what if you *ahem. we are still friends. i can still play around. Made me so upset, i din even felt like eating during recess. Actually i was so frigging hungry. -.- But yeah. Totally beat my hunger. That look. Man, i hate myself for noticing it. It's like.. she just walked AWAY. Like she's angry at moi. so yeah. that was like a straight "no, jas, you aint being oversensitive. you are right about it." Damn. I was having fun and i had to realise how she felt about it. real downslope. But that's two seperate issues.

then back from recess. I glued to Kah. We were so bored, we even "fight". Fake one, and a really lame one. =P But it was fun. At least we had something to do to beat the boredom 'byebye'. Then SHEERY called!! Lol. My laughing and playing partner in choir. Man, she's so comical. Hmm..she's sho sissy. She IS a girl, but she acts like a guy. So yeah, that's why i call her sissy. =P But birds of the same feather flock tgt. Sho..i guess im one too. -.- Well, she's nice to call me. At least she noticed something. =) Thankfully she called. I went down to play with her a short while. I felt elated for a moment. Then it died down once i reach class. Hmm, i wonder why. Something's wrong with me!! HELP!

About being sensitive, i think i really am. I mean, i got really sadd. I really mean REALLY. Sadd when i saw my bag lying on the empty chair beside her. She actually dunked my bag there? Not on the table with other baggs?? I mean.. my bag's gonna be sho lonely there. Lol. Kidding. I was sadd that the fact she actually hugged his bag,dunking my bag aside. Blehx. Maybe im just reading too much into it. But that was how i felt. It's aite she hugged his bag. but she left my bag away. far away. I felt that way. Yesterday night, that xiao shi yi lang or something. The si niang said something like, it's better that one person is sad and two people happy than all three being sad. Doesnt quite apply to me cause the fact that i take him as a bro. But i feel she doesnt like me anywhere close. So yeah. Im gonna avoid. So i wont quarrel with my friend.

We played mahjong in school. How fun can that get? lol. Without muney of course!! =) We were having da "we are teach" session la. Then yeah..i know how to play. But i wasnt in the straight mind to play. So i decided to watch the game. Felt pretty weird though. I thought ' i should join in the fun.' But to do that, someone has to come out. Everyone was having fun. How can i bribe them away of that simple joy? Then i felt pathetic about myself. It IS a simple joy, yet i dont have it. I walked away so that i dont take away a seat that's for other people interested in taking the joy. =)

Then, i saw yiting. i ran to her. Thinking i have some comfort now!=) i went to her place. I was just an outsider. I sat there myself thinking. about stuffs. then a thought crossed my mind. I left class for awhile, did anyone noticed? Checked my handphone. No message. 'wait, dont be impatient.'. wait wait wait. no vibration. nothing. i was on the verge of giving up. i meant nothing to anyone in the class.

nobody notices im gone. im just a person occupying the seat beside suwen. im just someone who blends in the bricks on the wall. like what she asked me is that what i want. this is it. this is what's happening.

then again. why do i bother about such stuffs? iunno. i really have no idea. all these dumb thoughts just came.

im torn between
silent & violent expression