Thursday, May 26, 2005
Thursday, May 26, 2005
I thought over some things today. Like my results, dumb problems with friends, friends flying to another land and my attitude towards stuff.
I realised my results totally sucked. I knew it since the day i was preparing for the papers. I mean, what is preparation when it's just one day before the real paper? That's cramping things up. But that's the way i work. Amazed that i actually passed some subjects. So yeah. If anyone who know me, you'll guess i flunk physics, a and e math, e geog, social studies and music. That's like 6 outta 9 subjs. Lol. Indeed, i flunked physics, e geog and music, and unexpectedly, chemistry. That's a real miracle.
This prove that there REALLY are miracles in the world. =) there's still hope for everyone. Even for failures like moi. ^^
Say it was luck that i passed both math papers. But it wasnt totally luck. It was luck that the paper was easy. It was my work that i remembered the basic stuffs. I passed that, so im freed of 'math lecture' from my parents and siblings. I thought so, but unfortunately, still had the lecture. It wasnt good enough. It is, in fact, NEVER good enough for them. It was pretty good for me cause i thought i was a total math failure. I mean, my whole family has no probs with math and science, they ace it. But me? Im like adopted. I suck at science and math. =( That hurts. Best of all. When i FINALLY pass a MID-YEAR MATH paper. Nobody appreciates it. Nobody said, keep up the good work and do better. Nobody said, wow. amazing. im sure you can do better than that. even though that would be sarcarsm. but at least i know i did something that was regconised. Instead, all they did was, say nothing. like it didnt matter. Then all they pointed at was the sadd part. The FAIL part. Part where i feel totally down about. All they know is 'you can never get such results for science. It's impossible.' well, obviously it's possible in MY CASE. For physics, it totally crapped. 'it's lyk not going to school. What's the point of going to school?' to face the whiteboard, get into MORE troubles [unnecessary ones] and more. it feels like im getting dumber. primary was totally scoring. secondary school..one level after another, it gets worse. to this stage, it gotten so bad, nobody can imagine it. even me. i saw my results. i mean, the number was totally ridiculous. i even had thoughts of not going home. but i thought i was dumb to escape from reality since in the end i still have to face it. but i just bring myself to say the frigging results from my mouth. it had to go through my brother's. sorry. but it was disgustingly ugly a number to say. i know what you adults will tell me. 'if you know it's a ugly number, why do you get it?' it's lyk, do i have a choice? No i dont. ok, i do, but it was mid-yrs. and i was lazy. Ok, point is I AM LAZY. hmm..writing this. now i get it. i get what my bro meant by 'you just cant be bothered.' YESH! I GETIT! But it's the fact that people said 'the higher your hopes are, the harder you crash.' So? what is it? Hard work, low hopes, crash low? No no no, think positive. I wont crash again after this round. Then my dad cannot get pissed with me, and keep saying 'what, how many tuitions you want' when all i did was fail the subject and that FRIGGING dont mean i need more tuitions. I know you only wish the best for me. But this seriously isnt helping me. Thanks for being nice by just talking to me and not really raise your voice. I mean..it goes in my freaking skullhead, but it hurts. cause you think im incapable of doing it myself and i need tutors on every subject, or it sounded that way to me. Look, i know e geog is all around us. But i just cant seem to relate it that way. It's just pure facts to me. If it's about volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis. I'd LEARN it with interest. and not ever falling into sleep and not getting pass the first page.
Friends. Well, the trouble's saed to be over. but i've got a feeling it just started. him, her. her, him. It's not as simple as it is on the surface. BUT YEAH. Heehee..i wanna look at them move on the trail together. [dont ask me who they are. both my cute friends. ^^] take the popcorn and sit in a corner and watch the movie. Walk on peepx. =)
Ting's flying. Shujia flew. Well well, everyone seems to be flying away once im very close to them. Scary isnt it? To be close to someone, then they just fly away, out of the blues. Even when you know they are gonna fly, you just cant watch them go without shedding a tear. No matter how hard you suppress the tears, the crying feeling just keeps coming back. Until you feel hopeless about the situation. Even then, prolly you'll just break down into tears. =) But i sure hope they are coming back. Im gonna miss them. Ting's voice, cherry laughter. Shujia's jokes, her silly but cute smile, lil panda-rabbit look.
People are freaking out about the parents-meeting-session. But i am not. Isnt that weird?? What i think about it is. If my parents have to meet the teacher, so be it. It's already set and go. Not as if you have a choice whether your parents meet the teach or not. So even if you worry, nothing's gonna change the fact that they are holding a parents and teachs meeting session. Then, at the meeting. If the teach gonna talk bad stuffs about me, so be it. It may be true. It may not be. Even if it isnt true, my parents wont trust me. Their instinct is that, im shielding myself. So yeah. Whatever. If they wanna trust the teach, so be it. I know myself best. I know what i really did. What the hell i wanna lie about it for? Im not THAT cowardy. So... Im not afraid of that either. =) how's that for a change?
I really cant be bothered. ^^
im torn between
silent & violent expression
