im tired of all this shit i just want to GET AWAY

Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Wednesday, August 10, 2005

YES. NO. MAYBE.

is it all that tough to say yes? no it isnt isnt it? i mean..it's always tough to say no. but i guess it's not the case in this family. not in this 'ultra-logical' family. my brother always ask me why i dont tell my family things i feel inside, instead i blog it. why? i tell you why. firstly, who really listens? nobody. even if they do, i'd always be wrong. maybe i am. but do they give me the chance to explain why i do the things i do, why i feel the way i feel? no. at least not when i can explain it. secondly, who has the time to sit down with me and just talk? no one. tell me. when can i have the whole time to myself? i dont have. that's why i appreciate it when i have quiet moments in school. that's why i appreciate my friends just sitting down and listen to my grumbles without feeling irritated. or maybe they are, just that they dont show it. but anyways, i like to say thank you to guan yuan, priscilla, deborah and sheery for doing just that for me. it's enough. i have no idea why i want to go watch the maid so much. so much that i cried when i was so pissed. all the rubbish about leading me astray. all the rubbish about i wont be studying if they let me go out today. let me tell you what. i wont study right now, now that you dont let me go out. i have never met your expectations. and i never will. because it always get tougher to reach it. what more to say about going beyond. you see. the feeling is so hurting that tears just keep rolling. twice in the roll now. what the hell. for just a word 'no.' and a whole load of bull. tell me about it. how silly and teary can a girl get? this is so dumb. crying doesnt help. thinking positive doesnt help. cutting desnt help. i mean, i cant even feel the pain. i can just take the knife and go repeatedly and i dont feel a thing. what the hell. is this being human? what's the point of feeling so much to get nothing in the end? i dont know. and praying to god doesnt work. sorry for devout religious people. but it didnt work. for me at least. i prayed that i wont feel upset and everything will straighten out today. but it didnt. sad to say. i wont trust prayers anymore. i wont even want to make any prayers anymore. how can you make prayers when you dont believe in it? gosh. im feeling so much i think my brain can burst. my nose can bleed. my eyes can bulge out. all these dont make sense do they? sorry. im blabbering. if i can choose which family im in. i rather be in a family who doesnt care twohood about their kids. and yeah. i know. when i get that wish come true, i would want it the other way. that's the way it is isnt it? people are never satisfied with what they have. so am i. and im seriously not going home until 7 tomorrow. it's freaking not fair. i hate this emotion running through me. i think i can just go and die right now and nobody will bother. messaging is even better. nobody can sense if it's true or not. it'd just be the way it is. TRUTH. and if you are wondering where i am now. all i can say is im not where you think i am. it's a place which you dont call home.

im torn between
silent & violent expression