im tired of all this shit i just want to GET AWAY

Friday, February 24, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006

i shocked myself earlier. those ekky long-winded screams and tears gushing out. i still cannot believe i did that. i mean, i didnt know one night can create sum up so much 'pain' and bottled up anger and upsetness. alright, thinking about it, im crying again. i cannot believe that last night i cried and fell asleep crying. as some of my friends know, i throw things when im utterly pissed or utterly upset. i did. i threw all the papers on the bed and onto the floor. kick those toys lil' rachel left on the floor onto the other bed. pulled my bag, swung it and it hit the fan. i wish i could pour all this shite feeling out to them but i dont want to. because i know i'd cry if i started talking. and when i cry, whatever comes out of my mouth wont make any sense because i cannot think straight. it's just as blurry as the eyes when the tears start pouring out. and then they'll think im crazy. and when things like this make me cry. those voices just start ringing in my head repeatedly. like some kind of irritating voice-recording machine. 'you know you are mixing with the wrong group of people and yet you still hang out with them.' 'this is o'levels you know, shouldnt you get off the computer and start studying?' 'no using of computer unless you have projects/assignments to do.' 'you can just come back home and study. why must group study?' 'i told you you are a dead duck once you enter the wrong class. you just wouldnt listen, would you?' why does it seem like everything i do is wrong. i really dont dont dont fucking dont get it. why. what's wrong with studying it my way. it's really not like i was playing whole day and not studying. i really feel like tearing up all the books. i was so fucking happy when i could stay back on thursday. i really was. then everything had to fall apart on friday. why do weekends have to be this bad. WHY. WHY THE FUCK. really why. i dont like staying home anymore. it just doesnt feel home. definition of home? a place to rest, eat, sleep. but what happen to it? it became like a fucking warfare i have to face myself everyday. ' so how are your studies going?' yeah, this question is asked out of pure concern. but does my face tell you 'im a book.' why do you have to ask me this everyday. i know the o's is coming. I KNOW ALRIGHT. so just fucking stop reminding me. i get irritated. i show you faces. and im in the wrong. sorry la. im sorry okae. i just dont like to come back home from school and get nagged about studies again. i get enough of it in school already. why cant you cut me some slack. why. even if you did, you make me feel so fucking guilty. why. i dont understand it one bit. i really need to call someone and talk now. but i know i'll end up crying to the phone and the person on the otherside wouldnt know why. so what's the point actually. what's the point. what's the point of living. what's the point. i feel so fucking lost when i start crying non-stop like now, as i type this shite out. i dont know if what i type is making any sense. i just want to get it out of my head and feel better. i just out. i really just want out. i know this is just a passing phase. but why does this one seem to stay forever? why. why do i have to live in this system whereby i study in school, i return home and cramp studies in again. why. when i get this pointless upset. i just. i just do anything they tell me to do. like 'go eat your breakfast.' i do it immediately. 'dont watch tv la, do something else.' even if it's in a fucking stupid joking tone. i hate it. i know the something else is study. i did it still. even if i didnt like it one bit. 'we are leaving.' i came out to slam the door at their face. how i wish. i still have to hole a fake smile on my face for the. i really wish i had the guts to jump down now. i look out of the window feeling like a caged bird. i stare at this screen thinking i should be typing down all the happy things. but what am i doing? im struggling. struggling to look beyond my tears. struggling to think of those happy things. struggling to make myself love studying again. struggling. this sounds so pathetic. i just want to get qinyi her jacket, and not create trouble for them. they wouldnt allow me to. they insist on fetching me to suntec to get her present in that 2h break i have in the afternoon. fine. my life's in your hands, you can kill me if you want to. do anything with it. when i want to make my own decision you wouldnt allow me to. when i dont want to, you force me to. am i that irritating? so irritating im always playing the opposite side of what you two want of me. every night i sit and think. what can i do to make all this better? nothing comes to me. nothing. every day i get to school with a smile. a bright smile. i dont even know if it came out naturally or i just wished i was that happy. i really dont know. sounds pathetic doesnt it. i wrote a 5 pages essay and that friend of mine had to say. 'you write so long to get just a passing A mark.' thanks a lot. it means a lot to me. i think words can get so hurtful it just scars you for life. then, yesterday. 'go home study ahh..', 'dont ting xiong zou lu horh..' made me smile at i walked back home. though it wasnt much of a encouragement, but it made my day better. maybe i should start listening more. i'll just shut up. i'll just shut those voices out. live life in the way of 'it's my shite and i'll take it in my hands, my way.'

one wish; to have the inability to talk, be dumb.

second; get drunk with bacardi lime. and not think about this shite EVERagain.

third; just get her present. i dont want to be late.

fourthwish; i looking at things, feeling nothing inside.

fifth; i just wish i wouldnt cry like this again.

sixth; STOP FEELING. if not i'll cut myself. i dont want to. it's stupid.

seventh; the fun im supposed to have.

eighth; those people who make me feel better. and happier.

im torn between
silent & violent expression