im tired of all this shit i just want to GET AWAY

Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006

this day in school ended well. walked out of school with suwen, kuat, qin, sam and kel. wyn stayed for drama. pei and tee went for bowling. sim waited for his track and field. ended up walking to bus12 busstop with kuat. well, it went pretty nice talking about those particular presents.. =)) i suppose kuat ran to catch his 196 because when i turn back, his bus was there and there was no sight of him. ahha. and two 14s came, one 608 and one 196 left the busstop before bus12 came.

why did i suddenly went all silent and foul mood.

i couldnt do the two simple questions on vectors, a topic which a certain teacher said it is the easiest topic of all in e maths. yes, like wtf. it was absolutely like wtf. i felt really dumb and sad for myself. dumb for not being able to get the simple chapter into my head and answer the questions. sad for struggling with the subject. somehow im beginning to think my dad is right. i AM in deep shite because i cant shrug off my cant-be-bothered thinking, my laziness, my fondness of enjoying myself. yeah, one thing for sure is that it's my mindset that has got to change. but how? i tried for the past months, nothing seemed to work. pushed myself to slog things out.. what i did i get from it, a sore A2 for the paper. studied through the night for the chem paper until i felt like i was prepared for it. ask me if i aced it, i'll tell you in the pathetic tone that NO, I SCREWED IT UP. i screwed up in convincing myself i can ace the paper if i worked for it. sorry, it just didnt work for me. i rather not do anything and get a fucking passing mark than getting those marks when i really felt like i tried my best. THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT MY BEST. but why did i feel like i did my best? why. really, why? then i looked at people around me. qinyi and derek are scoring. suwen and wyntrice are like soaring already. me? still on the ground. it's like, nothing is working for me. do i sound like i want to give up now? yes, i do. do i sound like i want to cry now? yes, i do. do i sound like im disappointed in myself now? yes, i seriously am.

and the ground im stepping on is fast becoming a quicksand.

im torn between
silent & violent expression