how should i put it. that weekend went was like running up the mountain for fresh air. breathless and irrelevant. okae, like wth am i saying right?
one appearance of someone in my room made me ponder over something. ponder over something so hard, i had no trouble squeezing the tears out of my eyeballs. no trouble at all. saying it's 'one litre of tears' only exaggerates it. but it felt that way. only that the tears didnt release my uneasiness.
what did i do. what did i do to make my parents feel so much insecurity? what did i do to create their huge anxiety? what did i do to make them so short fused? what. did. i do.
i dont get it. i seriously dont. not one bit. it's not like i havent been putting in any effort and all i did all week was to play and nothing else. alright, maybe it's just that they arent seeing my effort that's all. BUT HEY. i study in front of their faces while they read their newspapers on sundays? what more am i suppose to do? take a cab home everyday after school and slog it out. it's not like im a genius or whatever. it just doesnt work out that way for me. i know they just want me to have better future. but dont they see the point that. by continuously accusing me of playing only serves to irritate me? by continuously pointing out the unsatisfying side of me doesnt help one bit to motivate me to be a better ass? by continuously 'shaffing' books in my face will only make me hate it more? i feel so fucking stressed for the first time. all these? unneccessary i say. look at how i fared in P6 when there was 'trouble'. i did it all by myself. why cant you have the same believe in me? im older, im supposedly wiser. SO JUST FUCKING BELIEVE ME.
i feel like running away. run away to a place where i dont have to hide anything.
