Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006

1. asked a particular person repeatedly and finally realise that the person isnt listening at all. FUCK.
2. was thought to be fooling around in school, after schooltime. FUCK.
3. was my fault that she waited for me 'like an idiot'. FUCK.
4. having no idea what is wrong with my studying because it isnt working and i cant find solution out of this shite. and not knowing where i went wrong, im suppose to tell my brother what im not clear about when i dont know what i dont know. FUCK.
5. whisper whisper whisper. FUCK.
6. that sudden shut-away-from-earthlings. FUCK.
7. walking away silently. FUCK.
8. those two periods of time i felt like im invisible. invisible as in cannot be seen. FUCK.
9. not having a break through in anything. FUCK.
10. feeling like shite already on a WEDENESDAY. FUCK.
11. felt absolutely lost for once. FUCK.

the list just goes on. for no good reason.

if i can type that 'universal sign' word out as many times as my anger lasts, i will. i will because the moment i start focusing on what im writing, i cannot feel it anymore. all those things im angry/upset about. it's not worth me frowning, it's not worth me banging my fist on the toilet wall repeatedly, it's not worth me crying out, it's not worth me screaming my head off. it's not worth anything because it's a load of bull. man, i sound like im trying to convince myself dont i. i am alright. i am trying hard to convince myself NOW. i dont like to feel this way, this pissed. i was pissed, but i held back. wonderfully hidden away. but why am i telling it here? let me tell you why. because i need an outlet to pour all the shite out. and this place is the outlet. you dont like it, then dont read it.

'you need to focus on your studies. get away from your friends.' sure i will. but im no machine. you dont operate me, i dont operate you. but if that's what satisfy you, i'll do it. maybe you are right anyway. i feel unhappy to listen to that line but it made sense today. all it took was one shot to make me feel so fucking irritated. no, this isnt the first. why must it always fall on me? why. a simple question but no answers.

this post is so not getting anywhere. cant find anything to make me cool down. not even listening to music. messaging. felt like i made a mistake to send that message out because the reply didnt help shite. it was fucking fu-yan and it felt really uncomfortable. im never messaging that person again unless it's urgent.

some funny things i should just focus on because it cheers me up for no reason.
1. writing meaningful lyrics into tiny boxes.
2. shann and redhead was saying '****' all over. so i told tee 'dont say ah.' and he said 'i didnt say ****.' argued argued. then he said something like 'i didnt say ****, you tell me not to say ****. i say ****, you still telling me not to say ****.'
3. choonkuat got fustrated doing amath tys and made a funny 'irritated' sound.
4. there's no tiny aeroplanes in the sky today. =( but it reminded me about yesterday which was fun.
5. finally saw the 'fragile' advertisement. I WANT TO WATCH.
6. watched gaoxiao something on tvmobile in the bus135. it was funny. i was totally ignorant about what was happening around me. maybe it's good for a change.
7. physics lesson. we did 'practical' wiring a plug. it was hilarious because the parts came out. samson lam is a funny teacher agreeing that we should take photo of our first fixed plug. and tee took the wire and said 'TIMEBOMB!' and suwen was pointing the screwdriver at peiyee saying something funny. what if she pierce peiyee *ahem* there, african children wont have to go in hunger.
8. saw that 101% concentration look on his blur face. so cute.

woke up this morning to see something really sweet.
it made me smile even though i was sleepy.
it told me my existence is significant
unlike others whose actions tell me otherwise.

p.s sorry i didnt reply.